To all of you out there who are going through a dark, depressed period,
I want to start by saying you will be okay in the end, even if you do not see it yet, but do not let your mind take over you and your thoughts, be stronger than that.
Starting from the beginning, me personally, I cannot really tell how it even started but looking back now, I remember myself always sad and pessimistic, hardly looking beyond my dark zone. All I know is how I felt; the feelings were harsh clear. I felt empty, numb, broken, sad, worthless, useless, and I did not want to tell someone about these feelings because I didn’t want to burden them with my pain.
I had so many questions and doubts about my life and they were continuously left unanswered and this had killed me.
I tried to smile occasionally, but my eyes were broken. I always used to describe my situation as being in a deep dark hole with no exit sign present. Sometimes there was a light, but it faded too quickly. I saw myself different, I was not able to build the bridge and get on it. Rumination made the best of me, squashing me lifeless underneath.
I attempted to change, but I did not even allow myself to do so. You see, that’s why this illness is cruel because it distorts all your reality, making your mind believes that the world truly hates you and that you are not worth living.
It is okay to feel alone even when surrounded by twenty million people. It is also okay to feel that the people around you are judging you and criticising you. And you might also feel like it is not worth trying to live your ‘screwed up life’. These are all little tricks of the brain when its wired to see things in a way that is almost impossible to beat.
It’s crazy how broken it makes you feel. Your mind would be filled with so many things and one is somehow always remotely connected to another. And you feel as though no one will understand you. At times you feel that all the emotions and feelings are all made up, that they’re just hallucinations binding you down. And hope, yeah that seizes to exist.
The worse part, no matter how much you want to escape from it all, it does not let you. It drains you out totally- making you a lifeless, energy-less being. It is really a suffocating pain.
But hey! I’m not here to discourage you! On the contrary, because today I am one hell of a strong woman and I actually managed to beat the depression and I’m in a much better state. My best remedy was writing, but apart from that, what really helped me was the fact that I was always hard headed and did what felt was right. It was a long process (I spent at least 3-4 years suffering from it) but it was relieving in the end. I started getting in touch with the real me, who was not so bad in the end. I started focusing on me instead of focusing on the cold, external world. From hating the mere sight of me, I started being okay with who I am, and that includes my appearance and my character. After seeing just pitch black, you will start to notice that you are not that bad, and that you have good qualities and that you can be one hell of a great person!
I might have sought guidance a little too late but it was a means through which I finally found that road that led me to a great happiness. I want to you know, whoever might be reading, that if you have been feeling the same things and have not sought someone to talk to, do so. Do not leave your illness define you.
The broken puzzle pieces of who I was, were gradually being placed into one another, and it turned out to be such a great picture. It was of a storm with grey clouds and rain falling, and a beautiful rainbow in the background. The focus though now was on the rainbow which was blooming and just so peaceful there. Because yes, I had a tough storm but I was strong enough to see that rainbow and grab it and make it mine. I started believing that I could get better. And that’s the lock and key to it all.
Suffering from anxiety and depression and any other mental disorder does not make you crazy, even though it might make you feel that way. All you need to try to do is change your perspective!
Good luck in your lives and never EVER give up!
Only you can save yourself- your will, your strength, your faith; do not fail yourself, just stay strong and smile always 🙂