Orphan

Abandoned and thrown out into the darkness.

Witnessed the death of a child in my hands.

 

Still too young to carry my own weight,

But was still forced to work for money.

 

Obliged to wear plastic bags on my feet,

While walking down the snowy streets. 

 

All I wanted for myself was to survive, 

so I ran and found the best place to hide.

 

And at night, I could feel all the suffering on my shoulders,

along with the memory of my mother’s cruelty, who only got colder.

 

She wasn’t woman enough to take care of us,

she just tossed us around, hit us, and shouted so loud to create a lot of fuss.

 

My father however, was my hero,

until he became too scared and tired, and so he crouched and become a zero.

 

I was held at gun point for too many times to count, 

and I tried to hold the gun towards my throat,

but I am still surviving, I am still thriving.

 

And for what? 

For everything and nothing, for my insanity, for all my sufferings.

For all the pain I’ve witnessed, and more to come.

 

So again I ask you, for what?  

Garden (part 2)

Garden (Part 1)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Embrace me my dear lover,

and never let me go,

hold me in your arms,

while we are both looking at the endless sky. 

 

Tell me how much you love me,

Today, and always,

hear me sing and watch me dance

in our little secret garden.

 

You and me my dear lover

are one thing forever,

let’s make this moment last,

so it is embedded in our memory 

for evermore.

 

If

If this is a poem, 

And you were my words

I want to digest and chew you

Then spit you out

Creating perfect verses.

 

If I’m writing a song,

And you’re the notes

I’m going to take a deep breath

And wait for the right tone 

I’ll listen to the melody that surrounds us.

 

If you are a soul,

And I’m the empty vessel 

I want to wear you

Change everything that was-

A metamorphosis: starting anew

 

If you were me,

And I’m the core

Let us merge and be self-aware

Thus reaching the end of the 

Never ending corridors present in life 

Realm of solitude

Engulfed within the deep realm

of me, myself and I

and I ponder

about what I have become.

 

Being lonesome gives me time,

to think and explore 

the great unknown:

as within the body, 

there’s a soul

constantly craving for more & more.

 

Adventures are never lasting,

all is left is to roam

and so the mind thus wanders,

to unexplored land

the inexplicable-

what it cannot understand .

It seeks a place within,

where there is peace everlasting

because there is nothing wrong with being alone.

just breathe.

it happens in just one short moment.

when the words escape you

but, it’s not just words.

it’s anger, anxiety, fear and stress.

they just fire away

one bullet at a time.

 

apologies are useless,

it’s like talking to a wall of hard concrete.

then it becomes a mind game playing over and over,

trying to fix how things were said:

rumination at its finest.

 

 

it’s easier said than done

to try to remain calm,

counting to ten, breathing in and out.

when you feel your insides bubbling.

but you know it can cause harm,

so maybe next time, just bite your tongue.

 

Reminiscing

To all that is gone,

Beaten and forgotten.

For the many time

Which was wasted;

To all those seconds, minutes turning into hours, even.

And all those days locked inside.

Feeling lonesome, empty.

 

For that one missed chance,

Just because you were afraid.

To trying once, twice,

And starting over again.

To giving up, 

The heaviness of the failure is felt alongside you.

 

For every story left untold,

Hidden, locked deep within.

The words and images burning in your mind.

For all those chains that wound you,

Thus limiting you from reaching that one spectacular opportunity.

 

To what was yours,

Your time, your memories, your patience, your love.

Where has it all dissipated?

To reminisce all that has been done, and all that you have been through;

The pain, the sufferings and the do overs.

Panic

Walls closing in,

Barely any time to breathe.

No energy, a unison is formed

With apprehension roaring within.

;

A feathery heart screaming deep inside.

Urging, yearning for an inch of oxygen.

Yet the fire spreads quickly

And everything is steadily scorching

;

Blurry, murky visions

Blinding and binding you

To your own weaknesses

;

Then you feel a sudden drop

And sudden chills circulating

Underneath your skin

.

 

Intrapersonal battle

What now is this?

A mind full of wit and intellect-

Confused and convoluted,

With stripes of mud highlighting the face.

 

What battles were faced in cold and dark corners,

Hidden and aiming not to be found,

Beneath the gyri and sulci, 

And all of the thoughts from within?

 

How hard is it to watch 

Your own self facing what once was,

What can be known,

And entities that could have been found?

 

No shield has been brought,

And definitely no weapon,

Just this mere rational mind,

Which have been strangling me. 

 

What will I conquer 

From this useless battle which I had initiated 

Way before I knew all of its consequences, 

In addition to all of the loses? 

 

 

illusion

~staring blankly at the piece of paper

which has been laying in front of me.

Words have been escaping and

all i see is faded letters,

dancing around in my mind~

 

~the emotions within

have been fighting to break out

however, not even one sentence could be formed~

 

~illusions of happiness,

of days filled with laughter

but all i see and feel is

the melancholy of the terrible routine

of one day leading to another~

 

~hearing my heart beat

moving with every thought

that fill my brain.

Thoughts which are fighting to emerge~

 

~there are no dreams at night,

 just pitch darkness and shadows

pounding on my mind~

 

What now?

Why are all so eager to

bulldoze all of the memories

we have shared together?

All is crumpled and torn apart.

My heart is ripped with

the little things that

remind me of how things were.

.

 

So what now? Do you think it will all get better?

What about the good days?

Have they all been washed away?

Are they that distant?

.

 

It is useless fighting it now.

I can’t get my memories back.

They have been drowned with

all of the blood that has been shed.

We have become prisoners

of this place and there is no way out.

No light, just pitch darkness.

I can feel the water filling up

my lungs, it is suffocating me.

.

Eventually I will give in,

and let my last air bubble

float up, and my body will become numb.

.